Permanent Nursing Strike

I am sad. Sad that my baby needs me for one less thing. He has over the past two months grown less and less interested in nursing. He wants to do everything but nurse.….Play with toys, crawl all over me, see what Hayden’s doing, look at Linus who’s barking. It was becoming more and more frustrating for me. All the latching and unlatching, biting occasionally although he has no teeth but I am convinced he is teething and has been for well over 6 weeks. I continued to pump and pump to the point of cringing as it was becoming so painful. I was literally pumping 4+ hours a day on the days I worked and an hour on my days off. My body was mutilated and the milk was bloody. (Sorry probably TMI) Anyway last week I decided that it was time to stop. Landon was done and probably has been done for some time but I was able to accept that he is done. I said it... he's done. I just wasn’t ready to stop. I hated pumping, despised the time it took away from everything and everyone else. I hated the sound the pump made, hated how it took so long (45-60) just to get out 4-6 ounces. I hated how I had to wash the pump parts and plan my day around pumping. But I loved nursing (most of the time) I didn’t like how when he wasn’t sleeping through the night for the first 5 ½ months I was the one who had to get up and nurse, I didn’t like how he used me as a human pacifier waking up 9+ times a night and I was the only one to nurse him back to sleep, I didn’t like how he clustered fed for hours, yes hours at a time. How can someone miss something like this? Call me crazy but all of this was worth it. I loved the feeling I had when nursing. Knowing I was responsible for him growing and thriving. That I was providing his food and that he needed me for this. I felt good knowing I was providing the best milk possible, his mommy’s milk. I enjoyed the closeness, the bonding, rubbing on his fuzzy cue ball shaped head while he nursed, the quiet time just him and I. I am so grateful to be able to nurse him for eight months and Hayden for ten months. I wasn’t even certain I would be able to nurse at all. I do wish I could have made it to a year for both of them or at least ten months with Landon but it was becoming a time of frustration for both him and me so it was time to call it quits. I know not every mom can or does nurse and this post isn’t about casting judgement or saying that someone is less of a mom or didn’t love their baby the same as I love mine. This was just what was best for me and my baby and it’s important moms do what best for them and their baby. Cuz if momma ain’t happy no body’s happy. That’s why I stopped. I still had some milk, not enough though. He was falling off his growth chart from at one month old being in the 75th percentile to now being less than 25%. I could have continued to nurse and supplement but the frustration was doing neither of us good. Can you tell I am trying to rationalize this so I don’t feel so guilty. Why as mothers do we do this to our selves. I should be proud and happy that I was able to do this for the length of time that I did and not feel guilty but I really was not ready for this stage to be over with and sadly it is. I read everything I could find on nursing strikes and it didn't seem to matter he was done. It’s hard to believe he is less than 4 months away from being a year. I so love this time right now; where he is still baby but eagerly learning about this world around him. I love you Landon and I thank God for bringing you into our lives. You may not need or want mommy’s milk but you still are a mommy’s boy right now and that I am going to hold onto. Even though you may not nurse I am still going to rub on that fuzzy little cue ball head of yours and kiss your little cheeks. I am still going to sing old mcdonald and twinkle twinkle every night at bedtime although you have started to resist being cradled like a little baby. I am still going to check on you every night before I go to bed to make sure your rooms the perfect temperature and to take your blankie out of your crib for fear of danger. I am still going to love you more and more each day.